Author. Confirmed.

We have a celebrity among us folks. Fu Manchu just released a book for teens that helps to prevent pregnancy. It is more like a poster than a book, but published, it cannot be denied.

Research for this material started for Fu Man back in the late 80's, but wasn't able to get off the ground until he received research funding in 2000. Since then he has worked with several focus groups including several one-on-one session with Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC.

In an interview with "The Early Show" this morning, Fu Man said his favorite was the Abe Lincoln, but only because he has a stove pipe hat fetish. he expects more material out as soon as he cure his Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.








Huh Hive [http://www.hubhive.com/sexual-positions-for-the-lonely-and-the-loveless]

From my recent wedding

As wedding singers, they were rather entertaining. This was for my Mexican wedding, and everyone was stunned... Featuring "Tai Boxing" and "Tokyo Highway 69."

John Oates Getting Castigated by Dee Snyder in High School

Police Officer bakes brownies then calls 911 and says "I think we are dying".

John Oates Biography 1.0

Mr. Oates arrived here in Osh Kosh on a dancing scholarship. Modern interpretive dance, which is crappy. Rare video footage of John Oates as a child (when he could dance better):

Danger, bionic cars ahead.

I have seen a lot of meaningless, stupid road signs in my day; but how people can continue to drive without seeing signs like this?

What do you think it is saying? I am going with, Danger, bionic cars with an impatience for peeing airplanes ahead.

If you take my iPod, I take your left ear!

When Royal Mail employees had the opportunity to increase productivity, they took it. Faced upon a board of stiff English men, and even stiffer English men look-a-like women, they were asked what it would take to get them to work just a wee bit harder. Of course, like most of us trying to get a new iPod, they suggested, well an iPod. Something to keep there minds busy while sorting through thousands of pieces of mail a day.

The result is, well, not surprising. I know I've seen it, and you as well... somebody that you work with always manages to fuck things up. Just a mental note, next time you are listening to the Brittney Spears remake of 'Opps... I did it again,' don't go running up to your boss, shoving your earbuds in their fat little head making them listen. Also, please don't sing out loud, especially the line that goes 'I'm not that.....' and that's where I stop.

I know that you are sitting at work, and I have respect for that. I don't want you to lose your iPod, let alone your computer. How would you make it through the day without continually checking withleather.com?

But staff are furious, and one worker, who did not wish to be named, said: "We're up in arms about the destruction of our beloved communal iPod."

Well no shit you are! The keywords here are "Beloved Communal iPod" I hope that we can use this as an example, please keep your mouth shut and don't sing out loud at work, and please keep the crappy Brittney Spears circa 2001 remakes at your house and off your damn "beloved communal iPod"

Here's the rest of the story

Hand Signals

Please follow this link to learn more about hand signals in today's military.

Real Estate Enthusiasts

This may be the best Real Estate deal on the market now... many small business owners search and dream of a home like this, one that needs absolutely no upgrades and is ready to move in upon purchase.

For Sale by Owner:

Large Eastern Tennessee bungalow fully loaded with upgrades! Four bedroom, four bath completely equipped with a refrigerator in every room. 2500 sq/ft of usable space, however lots of room to "grow." Great for the small business owner this home has multiple offices, with plenty of circulation. Basement has been partially finished, with adequate lighting and air circulation, as well as plumbing installed for even the most serious hydro fanatics. Serious buyers only, we have been "burned" before. Please click here to see the attached pictures.

Pancho Villa's Biography 1.0

How did Pancho Villa actually end up in Osh Kosh? Watch this video to find out more:

The smell of spring is in the air.

Here in Osh Kosh, we know it is spring when the snow starts to melt away, reveling something fresh and new. We love it because it gives us a chance to find all of the things we mistakenly dropped while wandering into the house wasted off of winter love. Things like our car keys, house keys, and our good friends Dave Wannstache and MagnumPI who thankfully were passed out cold for a good part of the winter. There is nothing better than to start locking your house again, and unfortunately for the homeless man, Tom, living in my shed, he knows spring is his time to pack up and head back to St. Paul.

The most enjoyable part of spring however is getting started on all of home repairs, additions and spring cleaning that takes place in the first part of April. Fixing holes that were punched in the walls and replacing the toilet that some guy passed out on shattering the tank while he was drinking keg beer and popping Valium. A lot of people may ask, why do you feel like you have to get this done so soon in the spring? There is only one simple answer, Girls Gone Wild Tour! Well not really, that was last year and it wasn't everything Apple Vacations said it would be. No, this year I have a much more educational vacation planned, and I managed to get the idea from a very brilliant man. A visionary if you will. I encourage you to read this story, and find an adventure of your own this summer.

Hard Bitches

Watch this video to see some of the roughest, toughest, meanest women in the United States today:

Ring-a-ling ling, Your shit smells like pepper.

It's funny, cause this is the same way I can tell the FuMan and John Oates apart.

Something tells me this guys weekend is going to suck.

Talk about your all time worse day ever, in the history of the world, period.

"A man has been taken to hospital in Australia after his penis and groin got caught in the machinery at a saw mill.""

It is amazing, but I always thought the last episode of Alf would be the last time I ever cried.

The boys at ExtremeMustache shed a tear for you poor, sorry man.

[Man in unfortunate saw-mill penis accident]

Examining suspect advertising

OnStar sounds cool; I don't have it, it is not standard issue in my 1975 Cutlass Supreme. (4mpg rules!) But such a "cool" product, their radio advertising sucks. An except from a radio commercial I heard this morning:

"I am locked out of my house, locked out of my car, and I am just standing here in my robe."

Wha!? Let's examine this -
You step outside right after you wake up (early morning bong hit, nice). So I get it, you are a little groggy, the door closes behind you. It's locked. Fuck.
We've all been there. BUT, you remembered your cell phone....smart move for somebody wearing a robe, claiming to have just woken up.

Now you want the car unlocked because your keys are in there?

Let me get this straight, you came out of you home, with your phone and keys, presumably grab something from your car? (more drugs?). Your car has OnStar, so there is a good chance you have remote locks too, but still, somehow, you locked your keys in the car, while maintaining the cell phone. Huh.

And now I am supposed to believe this rocket scientist has pre-programed the OnStar number into her cell phone. rrriiiigggghhhttt.

What's really going on in this commercial must be this -
It's mid-afternoon, and you are just coming down from an angle's dust trip. You are "partying" at some random trailer park on "the wrong side of the tracks". You don't have a car. You dial, what you suppose is the local cab company, and it connects you to a saucy Canadian vixen who has the whit and humor of a guillotine.

Be cool, be cool. She doesn't know your high. Come up with a story quick.

And that was the best you could come up with? OK.

Yep. Thanks OnStar, next try painting a more realistic scenario. Here's how I would use OnStar -
When going to enjoy a few "drinks" with FuMan and John Oates, I would lock my keys in the car. Too many times I have gotten drunk, started break dancing on the bar and when I go into my patented 6 rotation head spin, the keys fly out never to be found again. With OnStar, I leave my keys locked in the car, drink to my hearts content, and the call the OnStar girls to get me back into my car (this would also serve as validation that I was in good condition to drive).

Eye of the Tiger.

Spring has sprung, and the early spring here in Osh Kosh means that the Pancho gets an extra few weeks of training for the annual roller skating competition. Plus, most of my competition is still in elementary school....take that bitches.

Introducing the iRack

Bask in the glory of Apple's latest invention:

And now boys and girls, the letter F.

College sports are awesome. Where else can you find drunk college kids shouting obscenities to well-off drunk alumni (who spent more on tailgate alcohol then most of the kids spend on food in an entire year) who are yelling even more compelling obscenities in front of their 7-year-old daughter.
True story, I saw it at a UW swim meet in Madison 3 weeks ago.

God bless the internet; which has made college obscenity shouting even better.

After an overtime loss to Ohio State, this aspiring young republican gives us a well thought out lesson in shit talking the opposing teams star player.

My favorite excepts said of/to Ohio States' Greg Oden-

"I hope you have an allergic reaction to the lube you and your boyfriend use in your next homosexual love fest."

"If we are all created in the image and likeness of God, you both were most likely modeled after his taint."

and of course, the granddaddy of 'em all:

"You are both cheap little bitches on the court. I’m talking Made in Taiwan cheap, dirty smelly hooker cheap, maybe even as cheap as Zoe Oden (that’s his mom for those keeping score at home). In fact, I bet that is why your parents got divorced Greg. Your dad didn’t like her job. I don’t mean to say that it bothered him that she is a dirty whore, just that she was only pulling down $0.75 a day doing it. I can imagine her standing on the corner, perfecting her sales pitch. “Fuck the starving children in third world countries, for just 75 cents a day you can pop this pussy.”"

Standing golf clap. Well. done. sir.

You have provided me with endless ideas for this coming fantasy football season.

Free Xavier Blog

Thanks to deadspin for the link.

Craigslist, here I come.

I may or may not have found my way into a whole lotta' money over the weekend.

Let's just say, that my "friend" (will call him Vancho Pilla) was strolling through a Japanese Museum (surprisingly, it was not an Asian bath house) and stumbled across an unsecured brick of gold. Sensing an "accounting" error, Vancho discreetly moved the gold off of the pillar. To buy himself some time he replaced the gold with a bag of sand weighing exactly the same amount, "tricking" the security system and preventing the possibility of a narrow escape from a tumbling boulder and free to safety in front of the museum.

The museum is now closed for an "emergency" holiday. Yeah, emergency and holiday, there are two words that commonly go together.
It is funny, because in lieu of recent life events, I think I am going to be taking an "emergency" holiday from work. Yep, an emergency holiday for the next couple of years or so.

So, my friend Vancho has called and asked what he should do with the gold now? In it's current form it is useless to him and let's face it he needs the cash (gambling debts, pog addition, etc.).
Put your suggestions in the comments.

Burglars Steal 220-Pound Gold Bar

Biography 1.0

Many of Extreme Mustache's readers have been clamouring for more details about how the writers have come to be so prolific, witty, and intelligent. I cannot divulge too much right now, but please watch this video to learn more about one individual I looked up to during my formative years.

Not so rich on the way out...

Many people often find themselves trying to find a way to spend that last buck at the bar. I can say myself that a Friday night on the town in Osh Kosh can easily lead to plenty of G's spent at the Fish Fry's and strip club's. But now I can impress my friends even more when I bring them back to pad and order up a couple of these beauties. I don't normally find my lifestyle "excessive" but I can promise you that when we hop in my Firebird and burn out of the truckstop, I'll be dialin the digits to my old lady telling her to get some pies, I'm comin' home and I'm drunk. I used to order Pizza Hut, but that is shit compared to this. I did about 25 shots of McCormicks and when I yaked that shit gave me heartburn. This pizza is loaded with caviar, lobster tail, and creme fraiche, and when purging the Friday "night air" it couldn't be smoother. I have to say, that when you leave it out over night its more like a million dollar pizza reheated and served with some Franks hot sauce. So rally up the boys and I hope you have some available credit after you leave the bar, because this pizza is definitely worth 2/3 your annual salary.

3.141592653589(...) people have reason to celebrate today

In a week where there are already too many reasons to party (St. Patricks Day, Round 1 & 2 of March Madness, Top 12 on American Idol, etc.), today is National Pi day. Hopefully you got your cards out.

Pi has been tracked out to over 1 trillion digits, which happens to be just shy of the number of beers necessary to drink when you realize you are partying for Pi. Unfortunately, something tells me that if you are "partying" for Pi, there is a strong probability there is no alcohol at said party...besides that fact that it only takes all mathematicians 3.14 beers to get completely hammered. (there was my weak attempt at a Pi related joke).

Anyway, if you are looking for a way to celebrate today, try some of these on for size

"Convert things into pi."

Oooookay, what does that mean?

"Convert naturally circular things into radians like the hours on the clock. Instead of it being 3 o'clock, now it's 2*pi o'clock. Or, instead of it being 3 o'clock, convert the inclination of the sun into radians and describe that as the time."

Sounds riveting, what else?

"Simply use 3.14 as a unit of measure. Instead of being 31 years old, you are 9pi years old"

In all seriousness, these people know how to party; wasn't it the Harvard math review that reviled 27.356 degrees is the best angle to snort coke of a prostitutes ass?

Be careful out there today, Pi Day is one of the biggest drinking holiday's of the year. In fact, come to think of it, this guy was probably celebrating Pi.

How to Celebrate Pi Day [wikihow]

Do you think they have people skills?

It is good to see that 10 years in the clink doesn't ruin that "can do" attitude for some go-getters out there.

As you can see, this rather large ad was taken out in the 'Employment Wanted' section. Seems like a great candidate to me, expert in security, distribution, bi-lingual and has management experience (not to mention clean and sober). Reads a lot like my resume.

It says that he owned and operated a fishing business, which owned an airplane and an island. Right, a fishing business. I like how it has to be clarified that he is looking for LEGITIMATE work.

Well, apparently not the right man for any j-o-b that I have.

So Extreme Mustache can't help this guy out, but I am sold on a career change. Pot smuggling seems more exciting then the military, and clearly offers more "real world" work experience. Now, I just need to find "Marijuana Smuggler" in the help wanted section and I can really move up in the world.

How will the kids entertian themselves next?

Sometimes after a few too many we may exhibit stupid, unexplained actions. I believe the technical term for this is "drunk".
For most people, "drunk" actions involve calling ex-boy/girl friends for unprotected sex, Karaoke, or public urination.
For this man, it involves a complicated game of hide and seek with the Police.

"21-year-old Alexander Craig called the police in Colorado Springs, and told them to come and arrest him. Helpfully, he provided a description of the car he was driving, clues as to where he was, and his name.

He then proceeded to taunt the police for the next three hours, because they couldn't find him."

Yep. The Osh Kosh Police love it when I play this game with them.

"Craig made around 10 calls to the police throughout the course of the night, to taunt them, as the 20 officers out searching for him failed to turn up any leads.

'He said we need to try harder to find him. He said he couldn't believe he hasn't been caught yet,' noted Kelley."

In related news, 5 High School Kids have sent thank you cards to Craig for occupying the police while they threw "the sweetest kegger in the history of all man kind." Apparently, Johnny the semi-retarded 3rd year Senior even got a hand job.

Man to Cops: I'm Driving and Hammered Come and Arrest Me
Colorado Springs Police Blotter

Let Me Tell You About Funny

Funny is accidental testicle removal. Behold!

Try this at home...

There are only a few bad asses in the world and in the history of time. Coincidentally they all have played for the National Hockey League. Try this on for size, and see how it changes you performance at work on this fine Monday morning.

No need for a raincoat this weekend.

This post is for all those guys out there who have used the "Well, I guess we better have sex to make it all better" solve for all of life's toughest problems. (especially when that problem happens to look like the girl to the right).

According to researchers "Semen appears to act as an antidepressant in women," psychologist Gordon Gallup, PhD, tells WebMD. "In our studies, women who have unprotected sex have lower levels of depression, as measured on the gold standard evaluation tool, than those who have the same amount of sex with a condom."

I am not sure exactly what this "gold standard evaluation tool" is, but it needs to be honored with it's own holiday week.

Enjoy your weekends boys, it looks like there is now scientific evidence that supports sex in the champagne room. Unprotected sex if you care at all about the girls well being.

Sex Better than Money for Happiness [Web MD]

Constructive Criticism

When Carla Shinners, 63, decided to become a substitute teacher it was because she wanted to make a difference. Change the steady path our public school system has been walking down for years, morph the young minds of the up-and-coming generations, so that her impact on the community would be recognized. Well Carla... you have done it, you have won the Extreme Mustache™ Constructive Criticism Award.

She is first noted for the honorable name given to her by her students, Mrs. Grumpy Lady, which she has in fact posted on her desk plaque, as well as her business cards. Personally we here at Extreme Mustache would like to see it tattooed in olde English across her abs. Secondly, this woman will not tolerate being disturbed while teaching the art of music. When her own cell phone began ringing she responded to her class by saying,

"These b(explicit)ch's are interupting my class. I'm going to answer the phone and tell these f(explicit)ckers to shut up."

We think that is the perfect response.

Lastly, she is commended mostly for her constrictive criticism. You should know that when you enter 5th grade you are expected to flawless play Concerto in D Major... this ain't no 4th grade "Fiddler on the Roof" bullshit. Carla agrees, she was reported telling her music students to,

"Stop that racket, you all need to shut up. You guys are the worst players I've ever heard."

Which, if they are in fact the worst players she has ever heard, we applaud her honesty. Without it, how could these children progress as students of the art?

I hope that we can find more teachers like this out in the world making a difference, or possibly even you, making a difference like this in your personal career. Nothing says "close the next big deal" like a few swear words directed at 12 year olds.

Read more about Carla and her efforts.

This is dangerous? No F--king kidding!

I have done many stupid things, but even in my wacked out, meth snorting binges I have never found myself allowing my equally wacked out friends to yank my hands through my legs, let alone find themselves with a tight grip anywhere near my junk. It doesn't take a scientist to see that this is probably the most common end result when partaking in extracurriculars like this one.

Wonder Woman is a Cunt

You all want to know why I'm stuck in God-damn Osh Kosh? Because of Wonder Woman. Every time I scheme up some ingenious plan to execute the perfect crime, either my henchmen fuck it up, or Wonder Woman shows up.

Artist's rendition of this week's museum heist:

These things are too damn good...

I'm know we all have our weaknesses, mine in particular is Girl Scout thin mint cookies. I love how they come in two convenient single serving packs, and when frozen and dipped in milk are comparable to a sixteen year olds first orgasm. I thought I was only one handing over shiny silver suitcases of money to this greenback hording organization, and frankly, my local girl scout mom seem quite shocked when I told her to let the girls run naked, and screw those stupid little badges, we need to cut cost and get these girls putting out product all damn year long. She was also appalled when I jacked her troops canoe and 12 bikes, and then listed them on ebay so I could buy more of these crack coated treats. If they weren't wasting so much time on shit like that anyhow, maybe they could put cookies on the shelf a little more frequently. All I have to say is, when you make a drug, you create addictions, when you create addictions, crime seems to follow closely behind. Why isn't there a link on this article showing the process this mastermind used to make his fake $50? And equally as much, how the hell did he manage to get $40.50 back in change?

Home Alone?

In the event of a natural disaster, John Popper plans on "flipping" on his emergency light on his $85,000 mercades and driving toward help yelling "wait for me, I'm on my way" over his PA system.

So much for helping the innocent along the way...if Mr. Popper can make it to safety the entire human race will survive.

If you get in his way? Let's just say he is prepared to deal with you too.

"Mr. Popper was a passenger in a car registered to him that was pulled over for going 111 mph. A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments containing four rifles, nine handguns, a switchblade knife, taser and night vision goggles. (so he could drive to safety if his headlights went out?)"

Not taking any chances Popper has reconsidered his emergency evacuation plans and is scheduled to have all artillery surgically installed into his body. Go Go Gadget .357 hollowpoint.

Blues Traveler Frontman Arrested, Facing Drug Charges [Access Hollywood]

Remember George's Wallet.

Ever notice how ridiculous the prices for some of the things we buy are if we ARE NOT using our "club" cards.
I mean, who actually pays $265.16 for a loaf of bread....and the look on the cashiers face at the check out when you say, "oh, sorry, no. I don't have my card today." It is like I am personally letting them down. Then they proceeded to swipe some general card like they are doing us such a favor. The ridicule and disappointment from the line 10 deep behind me is enough to never let this happen again.
But what if I don't want to carry around a card for every store that I have ever passed on the street? What if I don't want to feel like I am freeing a small child everytime I pull out my wallet?

Enter the greatest website ever.
http://www.justoneclubcard.com/

Here you can enter all the member numbers for all your loyalty cards and get 1 single card that has all the barcodes on them. No more fumbling for the magic card like rainman as the overweight woman behind you barks for her king sized Kit Kat.

Open your eyes...

I can not say how honored I am to be apart of the Extreme Mustache team. Yesterday I woke up, trimmed up the stash with pride and headed into my shinny new cubicle the boys down at the office had set up for me.

I have to say that I was impressed with the luxurious offices and amenities offered here in Osh Kosh. Not only do they offer a full selection of Slim Jim brand gourmet beef, but refueling as well.

Also I'd like to mention how well they take care of the employees, you can tell by the smile on the secretary's face she is happy with her 401k. One thing that is confusing me though is that contrary to one of Pancho Villa's original post, he still cannot get the parking thing down.

I attached some photos from my first day at the office, and once, thanks for giving me the opportunity to be a part of a Class A team!

New Technology Wednesday

After 10 years of development, Motorola is announcing the release of thier DynaTac 8000X. Thanks to this “cellular” technology, I, master of the universe, will be able to conduct business as if I am in my office, regardless of my physical location.

This includes, but is not limited to, seedy hour-rate motels, strip clubs, casinos, and of course confession. It also gives me the ability to give my “cell” number out to potential night callers, all the while my wife will be none the wiser of my pending infidelities. I can increase my risk for STD’s and other hooker related problems for the low, low price of $3995. Gotta love technology.

Other key benefits of this gem are an outstanding 35 minute talk time with a minimal required 10 hour recharge. The phone can store nicely in my fanny-pack, as it is only 10 inches high (that is 2 inches short of a foot), and weighs in at just under 30oz. I will be able to easily carry my Sony brand Walkman and the phone in one hand at the same time!

Send me your number, I will call you; I just have to keep it short, the calls cost me in the neighborhood of $10 a minute.

Buy your own brick phone. It is guaranteed to get you at least three – “is that a brick phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to meet me?” questions per night.

[RetroBrick]

Watch your drink, John Oates.

We at Extreme Mustache are whores for commentors. In fact, you comment more then once and we will make you a contributor. Well, it may take more then 1 comment, but like the drunk chick at a high school party, it doesn't take a lot to get in our pants.

Without further ado, I would like to welcome our newest commenter, John Oates, a 6'4" pile of shit who calls his mustache "the tickler". Here's an advertisement John used to lure star-trek junkies to his parents attic to perform a variety of sexual acts. Of course, this is his pre-mustache days.

Nice hair John.

His views on garnishing your own weapons AT ALL TIMES are very stong; in fact he even brought his own trebuchet on our last visit to midevil times.

Dr. Fu ManChu's business escapades

Always the philanthropist, Fu Man bank rolled a motivational potato chip company aimed to inspire young women to save themselves for marriage, produce children and improve self-esteem. He called the chips "HomeGirls" the "it's all that potato chip".



It failed. I wonder why?

We now pay him peanuts to write for us, which you can expect he will roll into a "Hey Girl" "It's alright to come out of the closet peanuts" brand soon.

See the full size image here. Word up.

It's like buying a car, then stripping it for parts.

For the most part, I tend to stay out of my wife's business, as I expect her to stay away from mine. After all, the marriage is strictly for business convenience, (tax breaks, liability umbrella's, anonymous off-shore bank acc....I said too much). Always the multi-tasker, the marriage also severed as a means for granting her US citizenship. Other then our casual acquaintance and separate living quarters, we barely co-exist.

That was until I saw the new 2007 John Deere tractor line. Bright shinny Green, polished yellow wheels, suuuue-weet ass....I need one. The problem, as you can imagine is the annual salary of a Wal-Mart greeter is far less than sufficient. I need cash, and I need cash fast.

This morning, I sent out a few emails to garnish interest in any of my wife's non-vital organs at a fair market price. By lunch I had a prospective buyer looking to get a "healthy kidney". We are in luck, my wife has two, and as far as I can tell (wikipedia), only one is required to sustain a normal life. SOLD.

The problem now becomes how I break the news to Ms. Pancho Villa. You thought she was mad when I brought the HDTV home with out some much as a consult.

"Hey honey, I had a great day, work was slow, and I sold your Kidney for a cool 150K....what's for dinner?"

But hey, At least I didn't lose our daughter in a game of poker.

[When Women Are Property: Husband Sells Wife's Kidney to Buy Tractor]

It is common for those in the media business to retell the stories of my life events. Many times I have yelled out, "behold the gaseous stench of my breakfast burrito!" to grovelling subordinates. And I have taken countless phone calls from underlings who have failed me. Here, Robot Chicken has re-enacted some of these moments in a hilarious manner:

,

Not Just Photography!

Pancho discusses his photography, but he fails to mention that he's quite an accomplished artist. Here is one of his favorite charcoal sketches:

He sketched it for his boss's daughter to share the message of Black History Month with her. While it is a good sketch, I think he could have picked a less disturbing manner in which to share his message... she's only six.

Professional Photographer

Last weekend I took a photography class over at the rec. center, and have decided that I was born to be a photographer (this is of course in addition to a ninja, pimp, gas station attendant and internet entrepreneur). Take a look at one of my photos.

Dude looks like a lady.

I know the question that you are thinking - "how can Pancho Villa go a week in Miami and manage a post every day or so, and then head back to the bright city lights of Osh Kosh and we get nothing?"

Perhaps it is time to point out that American Idol season in Osh Kosh is a rather busy time of the year, espically for greaters at Wal-Mart. I have seen more cardboard and glitter sold in the last 2 weeks to awkwardly shaped, braces wearing 12 years olds then when I used to manage the New Kids on the Block. Admittedly, I have jumped on the AI bandwagon this year, and have spent my Tuesday evenings the last 2 weeks speed dialing votes for the only girl in the boys competition. GO SANJAYA. Is it me, or do your knees just melt when he sings songs 95% out of key? This little girl is awesome.

"You do that enough and you'll go blind"

As I understand it, Dr. Phil has published several books that can help me cope with my self-esteem issues, money problems, destructive behaviors and poor hygiene habits. But what if I can't invest the 3.5 minutes required to read his bullshit, can I not be healed? I want a single book that offers solutions for all the troubled areas in my life. (that is of course, all areas).

I was looking around for such a magical solution today, when God himself pointed me to www.taketheaction.com. Apparenlty, all of life's problems are caused by 1 simple thing....masturbation. They have published the eBook, "Find Out Why Masturbation is Destroying your Life and What you Can do to Stop it."

From the site: "I cured my problem of masturbation which crippled me for more than 30 years thanks to your program. I never believed that someone had a solution for me since I tried all possible ways to overcome masturbation without success. I am curious about learning your next program, what ever it is, your are my friend for life." Says "P.A. from Sydney, Australia.

Oooo-kay.

In addition to finding a non-surgical method for removing the hair on my palms, I have also completed this years Christmas shopping for the Insidious Dr. Fu Man Chu.

For all the pretentious beer connoisseurs out there

I don't spend a lot of time evaluating the glassware for which my many nightly beverages are served, but it does bring up an interesting point; why can't I drink beer out of a martini glass?

Aside from the obvious, beer tastes best out of a can, inside of a paper bag, what makes the martini glass so superior for a concocation of vodka/gin and vermouth? Or why is a margarita so tasty when sevred in a fish bowl? I guess it is a "chicken and egg" conversation, but I can tell you this, Sam Adams has cratfted the worlds most perfect beer glass.

Apparently, this glass displays the beer in all of it's hoppy, frothy glory. It also does something for enhancing the taste of the beer. (As if Milwaukee's Best could taste any better) For me, it seems like a faggotity excuse to buy beer in bottles less than 40oz.

Now here is an education I can get on board with.

I have always felt that I wasted my money going to college. I spent $100,000 dollars to get a degree in Late Antique Civs, which you may be surprised to learn, carries no professional weight in Osh Kosh, Wi. As a result, I've spent my post-college years as a greater at the local Wal-Mart; not a bad job if you like underpaid, no-frills (i.e., benefits), demeaning work. Consequently, I spend many hours imagining what life would have been like if I went to a school and my teacher taught me to snort coke.

In my educational history the stupid teachers always preached that drugs were bad; and don't get me started on Nancy Regans gay-as-shit "just say no campaign"....are they fucking kidding me, I see how how "exciting" everybody's lives are each time they come to Wal-mart; all 43 times a week.

I needed to be taught that drugs were not only good, Cocaine needed to be inhaled at every possible moment. I needed a role model.

As a society, we should be ashamed that we fire teachers for "taking" coke in front of their students and perhaps, I wouldn't be on the greeter-management track for the 3rd highest grossing Wal-Mart in North Central Wisconsin.

How many sliders will it take for you to love me?

It is the weekend before Valentines day, or "oh shit" day as I call it around my house...which means there is just under 109 hours left until your you are put on the spot to declare your love by way of presents, outward affection and the lavish meal; just the way Hallmark designed it.

Don't delay; reservations at all the best places are filling up, and unless you want to be treating that special someone to an all-you-eat buffet at the Sizziler, it's time to get on that pony.

A sure-fire way to ensure that you will be ending next Wednesday next to the one you love, and not on the couch, is to spice it up, do something extra romantic. Want the sex? Take her here.

White Castle Valentines Day

Rex Grossman named MVP of Super Bowl XLI

For the first time in the history of the NFL, a player from the opposing team was awarded the Super Bowl's Most Valuable Player trophy. When we asked the judges the reasoning behind their choice they said "Listen, it was a difficult decision for us. We arguably could have given the award to many players. Peyton Manning had a superb game passing for 250+ yards and a touchdown. We thought about giving the MVP to the Colts defense as a whole. But when it really came down to it, we had to go back the definition of "Most Valuable." The player that the winning team could not achieved success without. Rex was hands down that guy. We couldn't possibly take away from his tremendous contributions to the Colts victory." His ability to mishandle snaps. The way he threw the ball directly into defenders hands simply outweighed the accomplishments of Peyton and the Colts defense. Not to mention Rex's inability to hit the wide open receiver in stride for a touchdown."

When we asked Rex for comment, He said "It's a little embarrassing to receive this one and in all honesty that is one of 6 games that I wish I had back. I'm just gonna learn from it."

We talked to Lovie after the game too and his response was "I am just glad that I was the first African American coach to have a player named MVP for the opposing team. I'm setting new levels of achievement for all African American coaches. And that can only be good"

Check These Stippers Out!

So Pancho Villa and I were out paying money to have these hot chicks shake their money makers right in our faces, when he gets up and walks out. "I'm looking for some older women," he said with a depressing exhale. "Some greasier women."

And Pancho just happens to "know" right where we should go. Like he researched it on the Internet or something. And I'm not even sure they were all female. Here's a picture of them with clothes on (trust me, they're better this way):

Colts fans - don't complement me on my accessories.

What, you might ask, can 102 million dollars buy you in a period of 12 hours? Only the finest 600 bottle’s of Champagne, two helicopters, minority ownership in the NFL and 4 dead prostitutes (these people in Miami are serious about getting rid of their dead prostitutes). What it can’t buy is a little excitement from the Colts or the Bears prior to the Super Bowl.

What happened to the days of endless trash talk leading up to the game? Who cares that the 2 coaches of this game are friends? Their friendship is turning this into a big gay-fest. I fully expect to turn on pregame coverage to see the corners and receivers giving each other a reach-around and telling them how “big” they are. That will be nice in HD.

Puh-lease. I have seen more trash talking among participates in a bingo game at a retirement home. It is time for this mutual team respect business to END. I need more talk about how Manning's hymen is going to get "tore the fuck up" to the point that Kenny Chesney won’t even recognize it. This game after all, is for the fans, and the fans want pure,unadulterated medieval violence.

Sadly, at this point all I expect to see is a little ass soreness from the butt-fucking going on between the two teams.

Water....check. Batteries....check.

Hey party people, sorry for the late post this morning. I hit the Zima a little hard last night and ended up sleeping in a dumpster. It is surprising how dark it can be when you are buried underneath a dead prostitute and 50lbs of half eaten shellfish.

Today marks the calm before the storm. Cabbies are still being polite, girls are still talking to me, and you can still buy a beer for under $10.00. But like the proverbial storm on the horizon, you can feel in the air this is all about to change.

The shitstorm that is the Super Bowl is about to unleash it’s fury and if I can meet up with Insidious Dr. Fu Man Chu, we will ride out the storm huddled together in a windowless room. Of course that windowless room is a strip club, and by huddled together, I mean buried in the finest booze, caviar and women our 260 million dollars can buy.

I just checked my pager, it’s Fu Man Chu with a *911. He, along with the other 20 million people expected in Southern Florida this weekend, have arrived. We shall hit up some of the minute golf courses I have been scouting this week and then to South Beach to find out just how easy Jamie Presley is.

I'm Here For One Reason

And that reason is to watch a certain number 54 who plays for Chicago knock snot bubbles out every Indianapolis player. Every player.

What is the motivation behind my decision? Only a fool would ask such a question. It is obvious.

Nevertheless, I shall explain. I need a new office linebacker. I recruited Triple T, aka Terrible Terry Tate away from Felcher & Sons, and let's face it... the T's past his prime.

I thought about picking up Pancho Villa on my drive, so we could use the carpool lane and do some male/mustache bonding, but 'ol Pancho doesn't have the same life philosophy as I do: "We Ride Together, We Die Together." See, Pancho doesn't like it when I score and do a bunch of smack down on the beach, then chug a fifth of liquor before jumping behind the wheel. And then he's a total buzkill when he drones on about the importance of seatbelts. And he knows next to nothing about the office linebacking, except what it feels like to pee his pants because he's so intimidated. So I left that Mexican pedophile with those girlscouts in front of the NFL Experience.

Feel free to watch some Triple T highlights Reebok put together a while ago:

Montagues meet the Capulets

There are two cultures of people down here right now...1st you have the celebrity crowd. Now you don't have to be a celebrity to be part of this group, you just need to make sure that you have triple mortgaged your house to afford the designer cloths, private jets and cover charges to the best clubs. Needless to say, the football game is just a delivery system for the decadence.

Secondly, you have the weekend warrior. These are the soon-to-be-retired budget-on-a-dime folks who like to spend winter weekends getting as far away from upstate New York as possible. These people have rented all the "economy" rooms in a 250 mile radius, and they don't even care about football.

Each group despises the other.

Surprisingly, very few people whom have travelled to Miami this weekend care about this game. This is painfully obvious at the NFL experience; an over priced, interactive football experience dedicated to the fans. I stopped by this monstrosity after an unsuccessful attempt at hitchhiking to media day (who knew that the actual game is not in Miami, but rather Hollywood....an hours drive north of South Beach).

Besides me, there was a girl scout troop from northern Washington, and a handful of washed up defensive backs with their grand kids. Shockingly lite crowd given that attendees get to touch Jimmy Johnson's hair as well as helping to pick sun tan lotion in an interactive exhibit of Joe Theismann's tanning rituals.

More craziness to come, the crowds keep growing, and the booze keeps flowing. It is almost too bad they are going to have to break it all up for a football game on Sunday evening.

Wal-Mart Dance party

I am a little slow to rise this morning; the party I went to last night was "off the chain". That is what my friends taught be to say to be "book". Which means, the party was cool (book) and ranked very high on my awesomeness chart (off the chain).

Being like one of those underground LA clubs, the entrance was non-discreet and featured a behind the scenes walk through the building before getting "into" the club. Apart from cheap speakers, no booze and all the sausage, the music keep people poppin' until well past 7:45. That's PM, coke heads.

I hear Club Wal is a chain, and hope to check it out when I get back home to Osh Kosh.

For now, I need some Flintstones Vitamins and some Full House re-runs, or this hangover is never going to go away. Danny Tanner just sooths the head, alright.

I think I just saw 2 Live Crew

It seems the press credentials I made on the plane have little street cred down here, and with everything either reserved for VIP's or media, I am having trouble gaining access to anything. Discouraged, I found my way to the beach to see if I could talk my way into anything cool. Note to self, when a drunk college student yells "show us your tits" they are most likely not talking to me. Even though, in my opinion, I have some of the nicest man boobs you will find. Maybe it is the pasty white skin they don't like?

Things seem to be starting to get going down here, while walking on the beach I was asked 36 times if I wanted any "smack", 22 times I was asked or told something in Spanish which I didn't understand, and 12 times was asked "if I was looking for a good time"....which does not mean they have a xbox 360 and wantedt a challenger to play Madden.

I was invited to a VIP party tonight, and will bring my trusting camera phone/video recorder in an effort to post something for tomorrow. In the mean time, I need to find someplace to sleep, as I came down here with no reservations and it seems that Pancho Villa's name doesn't pull weight in South Beach like it does in Osh Kosh, Wi. Snobby Bitches.

Going to Miami.

With no business plan, means to drive profit or long-term growth strategy, finding investors for this little internet endeavor was not difficult at all. As you may know, internet start-ups have been proven to be solid financial investments. My VC's will be happy to know that I am lighting a $2,000 dollar Cuban cigar with $600 dollars cash as I type this.

I looked into our investment coffee can that I hide in the toilet bowl, and as of Saturday night we had saved just under 260 million dollars. Seeking to show the investors that we have no concept of money, we have decided to pack our bags and come to you live this week from sunny Miami, Florida. Looking at citysearch, Miami is host to several high profile events this week, including wiener dog death fighting and the 2007 Miss Overweight Florida pageant. Oh, it also says here there is some kind of football game this weekend.

Prepare yourselves southern Florida, Extreme Mustache is going to get crazy; cause, let's face it, nothing says Super Bowl 41 coverage like pretentious NFL groupies, a finely groomed handlebar mustache and the South Beach Diet (which of course is the combining of drinks both from Jack Daniels and Jose Curevo decent).

Buckle your seat belt, more from Miami to come.

Hurler huh?

The week off before the super bowl is the week when you get to preview your life without football....for ESPN, it means it is time to devote the weekend of coverage to figure skating. Isn't there any other sports out there to watch...to find out, I turned to the interweb for some of baseballs hottest players from yester-year, 1865.

I found a beautiful piece of art that I plan to hang over my bed titled No One Wants to Play Sega with Harrison Ford. Bask in its glory!

Caught Cheating on Tape

Last night, I was cheating on one of my wives (they don't know about each other) with this hot hooker. Anyway, Adult Swim was kind enough to animate a near-exact re-enactment. The only difference is that I am the Insideous Dr. Fu Manchu, not Awesome X.

Laser rocket arm, or subliminal advertising?

The President declared last night the State of our Union is strong. He then stepped aside and allowed Peyton Manning to endorse our "strong" union. This sponsorship by Manning means that he is now the spokesman for over 93% of all consumer facing products and according to Neilson Media, is responsible for selling over 98% of the United States GNP. It is no wonder President Bush asked him to be the celebrity spokesman in last nights address, he is the lynch pin to our economy.

Bush was disappointed to see Manning do just enough to win the AFC championship and is concerned that Manning's shortened off-season will reduce the number of commercials he will be able to appear in by up to 20%. "When Manning is out of the playoffs early, he has more time to do those 'fluff' spots like encouraging them gays to come out of the closet." Bush stated. "Now he will only have time to do spots for Gatorade, Sony, MasterCard, Nike, GM, Sprint, Pepsi, USPS, DirectTV, eTrade, Bud Light, Vonage, Tag Hauer, Target, Got Milk, Girls Gone Wild, Peter Francis Geracy Info Tapes and Law and a celebrity endorsement for each product in the the Proctor and Gamble family."

Disney, betting on the fact that he will choke in the Super Bowl, has inked Manning as the face of their entire 2007-2008 Global advertising strategy, and has dropped the traditional super Bowl MVP shouting "I am going to Disneyworld". This will to ensure Manning's impact will have greater reach among the girl tween audience of 9-12.

Want your kid to think you can't do the moonwalk?

Are you depriving your kids of rich social skills and positive enhancement? Without this PSA, you just might be failing as a parent. I, myself, am not in the parenting game, however I believe there are many 'perks' associated with parenting. The rewards children bring include unlimited use of immigrant style labor, tax incentives and of course a lifetime of subordination. But what I believe would be the best part of being a parent; "unleashing the motherfucking moonwalk."

Parenting [http://bugi.oulu.fi/~heikkiv/chan/moonwalk.jpg]

Kick me while I am down, asshole.

For anybody who wasn't paying attention over the weekend, Chicago made a resounding statement to the world with it's football team.

CHICAGO HATES AMERICA.

By beating the Saints and positioning themselves to go to Super Bowl 41, the Bears have striped the entire gulf-region of one of the few bright spots in their lives. It is fact that had the Saints reached the super bowl, New Orleans was going to be magically transformed back to it's pre-Katrina state and those funny talking Cajun's wouldn't remember anything about a storm or a flood. But Chicago wanted to torture them.

In addition to destroying Saints fans all over the world, Chicago has also asked the city of New Orleans to refund all Chicagoans donations to the relief effort. This, and they retroactively raised the rent of over 200 displaced gulf coast residences living in the greater Chicago area to fund a new boat for Chicago Mayor Richard Daily.

You stay classy Chicago Bears.

This disease will probably kill me.

As it was recently brought to my attention, I appear to suffer from an incurable disease. How do I know it is incurable? The disease has not been clinically identified, and as of now, my wife and I are the only 2 people in the world to have it.

What is this terrible disease, you might ask? Heavy Walking.

An except from an email I received on Friday -

• I also was woken up past midnight this last Saturday night due to heavy walking in your bedroom. This has happened several nights over the last year and a half and it's finally gotten to the point where I need to formally address this.

How is this affecting the neighbor, you might ask?

• [I] have done several things to try to adjust to this noise, including sleeping with a fan, the tv, and trying ear plugs, yet the deep thud of heavy walking is not drowned out by any of these.
  [Heavy walking] has affected my every day life and my quality of sleep.

I am just on the forefront of this new disease, but from what I can tell, heavy walking is learned by any upright walking mammal at a very young age, and it effects all walking mammals from the time they learn to (heavy) walk. Possible cures include midnight jump-roping, competitive tap dancing, Private STOMP lessons and rave parties (in your home, of course).

So now I reach out to the positive well-wishers of the interweb, for your support in finding the cure for this insidious disease. Information on a foundation I am starting will come out soon.

Can't I just go to the free clinic?

As of late, Pancho Villa has been spending a lot of time surfing electronic retailers websites in order to convince myself (read: my wife) that I NEED high-definition TV. The thing with our acronym happy world is that finding a TV reminds me of late nights in college spent searching STD's. I mean, EDTV?!?! Is that really what I want to tell people I bought, or is that what I "got" after "hooking" up with that nasty sorority girl in the bathroom on penny beer night?

When I visit the store, I tentatively approach the sales guy and whisper something about D.L.P....I am actually quite good at incognito query's, I practiced in high school when I would buy condoms from the pharmacist. I mean, with the prices of these things, their names should not make you blush and run to the bathroom to make sure your balls are still attached. Becasue let's face it, if I am allowed to buy one, my wife will make sure said balls are permantley removed. But really, with an LG DLP HDTV, who needs balls. Afterall, didn't that guy that roomed with you have LG DLP HDTV? If memory serves, he had to smack his dick between two oak blocks just to pee.

Reflections on MLK Day

Many workers in the United States have the day off today to celebrate the life and contributions of Dr. Martin Luther King. I am not one of those workers.

And c'mon, who's really thinking about MLK today? No one. There are the people who anticipated the extra day and chose to do two days of serious drinking. They are thinking about how bad their hangover is. They're not going to parades or watching recordings of his speeches. I do concede that some of them may be playing Playstation with some kind of MLK avatar, but most of them are emphasizing head shots which isn't really what he stood for anyway.

And then there are the people who are working who wish they could have been drinking the night before. FACT: These people work for racist organizations. The only nice part for those working is that the commute to and from work is eased by the fact that everyone else got the day off.

Today has given me more time to review my past accomplishments and future goals though. In reflection, I think it would be good if everyone of you studied some of the foundational principles for successful world domination to start the new year off correctly.

Saving money on your valet.

Finding street parking while living in the city can be a real bitch sometimes. Finding an opening the size of your tuna can car be damn impossible, and many times hampered by some overzealous piece-of-shit whom has decided a 3.5ft cushion is required between them and the car in front. You know the spot, lit-up as if God himself were navigating you to this spot. You try to squeeze in, reversing back, “nudgeing” the car behind you. There is even that moment when you believe you can push the car behind you backward, creating that extra room needed to push your front end over. Inevitably, you can’t fit; cars behind you are now lined up 12 deep, honking to get by. "If only this asshole could've parked correctly", you think to yourself. “Perhaps if I break his windows the mother fucker will park better next time.” Apart from the awesomeness of some unsuspecting dickbrain returning to see the windows of his leased Audi more like sand than glass, this seems like an unreasonable consequence for my inconvenience.

Until now.

Behold, a bumbersticker that can help shed some light to the offender. Shitty parkers of the world, beware. Next time I can’t park because of your incompetence, I will just slap one of these dandy’s smack-dab in the middle of your windshield. It will be like a citizens parking violation, that will server to inconvenience you, you smug faced bitch.

[iparklikeanidiot.com]

Hey fat ass, how's the gym?

It's 11 days into the new year and i'll bet you pussys have already abandoned your new years resolutions. Not me, I am still going strong, but why shouldn't I, my resolution is to increase my awesomeness by 53%. In 11 short days I am already dripping more awesomeness then you can muster in a whole year; but I guess that's not fair since I started out at over 126% and you will only achieve a lifetime average at just over 17.5%.

So how, you ask, can you change your resolution and try to achieve awesomeness too?

Just some minor life changes and, with the right amount of balls, you could increase your awesomeness to a slightly higher level then that dip shit Aiden in payroll. First things first, awesomeness is not an adjective, it is a person. Pancho Villa likes to remind people who is talking by using his name in the 3rd person. Pancho only talks about himself and how awesome he is. When meeting people for the first time, don't shake their hand, give your nut sack a little tug and address them as "bro" (even if it is a chick, "bro" is still the generic name given to all who are inferior to you). Regardless of race, refer to employees at any store as a "cracker" and when dining out, never leave a tip. Pancho Villa can't tell you anymore, but you can sign up for his lecture series, "I am fucking awesome, and your not", which will be touring the country later this spring. With paid admittance, Pancho Villa will walk in, tell everybody in the room to "go fuck themselves" and leave. Counting $1000 bills the whole time; Good luck with your resolutions, Pancho Villia's awesomeness went up 3% just by writing this. Bitch.