Friday, March 30, 2007

Ring-a-ling ling, Your shit smells like pepper.

It's funny, cause this is the same way I can tell the FuMan and John Oates apart.

Something tells me this guys weekend is going to suck.

Talk about your all time worse day ever, in the history of the world, period.

"A man has been taken to hospital in Australia after his penis and groin got caught in the machinery at a saw mill.""

It is amazing, but I always thought the last episode of Alf would be the last time I ever cried.

The boys at ExtremeMustache shed a tear for you poor, sorry man.

[Man in unfortunate saw-mill penis accident]

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Examining suspect advertising

OnStar sounds cool; I don't have it, it is not standard issue in my 1975 Cutlass Supreme. (4mpg rules!) But such a "cool" product, their radio advertising sucks. An except from a radio commercial I heard this morning:

"I am locked out of my house, locked out of my car, and I am just standing here in my robe."

Wha!? Let's examine this -
You step outside right after you wake up (early morning bong hit, nice). So I get it, you are a little groggy, the door closes behind you. It's locked. Fuck.
We've all been there. BUT, you remembered your cell move for somebody wearing a robe, claiming to have just woken up.

Now you want the car unlocked because your keys are in there?

Let me get this straight, you came out of you home, with your phone and keys, presumably grab something from your car? (more drugs?). Your car has OnStar, so there is a good chance you have remote locks too, but still, somehow, you locked your keys in the car, while maintaining the cell phone. Huh.

And now I am supposed to believe this rocket scientist has pre-programed the OnStar number into her cell phone. rrriiiigggghhhttt.

What's really going on in this commercial must be this -
It's mid-afternoon, and you are just coming down from an angle's dust trip. You are "partying" at some random trailer park on "the wrong side of the tracks". You don't have a car. You dial, what you suppose is the local cab company, and it connects you to a saucy Canadian vixen who has the whit and humor of a guillotine.

Be cool, be cool. She doesn't know your high. Come up with a story quick.

And that was the best you could come up with? OK.

Yep. Thanks OnStar, next try painting a more realistic scenario. Here's how I would use OnStar -
When going to enjoy a few "drinks" with FuMan and John Oates, I would lock my keys in the car. Too many times I have gotten drunk, started break dancing on the bar and when I go into my patented 6 rotation head spin, the keys fly out never to be found again. With OnStar, I leave my keys locked in the car, drink to my hearts content, and the call the OnStar girls to get me back into my car (this would also serve as validation that I was in good condition to drive).

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Eye of the Tiger.

Spring has sprung, and the early spring here in Osh Kosh means that the Pancho gets an extra few weeks of training for the annual roller skating competition. Plus, most of my competition is still in elementary school....take that bitches.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Introducing the iRack

Bask in the glory of Apple's latest invention:

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

And now boys and girls, the letter F.

College sports are awesome. Where else can you find drunk college kids shouting obscenities to well-off drunk alumni (who spent more on tailgate alcohol then most of the kids spend on food in an entire year) who are yelling even more compelling obscenities in front of their 7-year-old daughter.
True story, I saw it at a UW swim meet in Madison 3 weeks ago.

God bless the internet; which has made college obscenity shouting even better.

After an overtime loss to Ohio State, this aspiring young republican gives us a well thought out lesson in shit talking the opposing teams star player.

My favorite excepts said of/to Ohio States' Greg Oden-

"I hope you have an allergic reaction to the lube you and your boyfriend use in your next homosexual love fest."

"If we are all created in the image and likeness of God, you both were most likely modeled after his taint."

and of course, the granddaddy of 'em all:

"You are both cheap little bitches on the court. I’m talking Made in Taiwan cheap, dirty smelly hooker cheap, maybe even as cheap as Zoe Oden (that’s his mom for those keeping score at home). In fact, I bet that is why your parents got divorced Greg. Your dad didn’t like her job. I don’t mean to say that it bothered him that she is a dirty whore, just that she was only pulling down $0.75 a day doing it. I can imagine her standing on the corner, perfecting her sales pitch. “Fuck the starving children in third world countries, for just 75 cents a day you can pop this pussy.”"

Standing golf clap. Well. done. sir.

You have provided me with endless ideas for this coming fantasy football season.

Free Xavier Blog

Thanks to deadspin for the link.

Craigslist, here I come.

I may or may not have found my way into a whole lotta' money over the weekend.

Let's just say, that my "friend" (will call him Vancho Pilla) was strolling through a Japanese Museum (surprisingly, it was not an Asian bath house) and stumbled across an unsecured brick of gold. Sensing an "accounting" error, Vancho discreetly moved the gold off of the pillar. To buy himself some time he replaced the gold with a bag of sand weighing exactly the same amount, "tricking" the security system and preventing the possibility of a narrow escape from a tumbling boulder and free to safety in front of the museum.

The museum is now closed for an "emergency" holiday. Yeah, emergency and holiday, there are two words that commonly go together.
It is funny, because in lieu of recent life events, I think I am going to be taking an "emergency" holiday from work. Yep, an emergency holiday for the next couple of years or so.

So, my friend Vancho has called and asked what he should do with the gold now? In it's current form it is useless to him and let's face it he needs the cash (gambling debts, pog addition, etc.).
Put your suggestions in the comments.

Burglars Steal 220-Pound Gold Bar

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Biography 1.0

Many of Extreme Mustache's readers have been clamouring for more details about how the writers have come to be so prolific, witty, and intelligent. I cannot divulge too much right now, but please watch this video to learn more about one individual I looked up to during my formative years.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Not so rich on the way out...

Many people often find themselves trying to find a way to spend that last buck at the bar. I can say myself that a Friday night on the town in Osh Kosh can easily lead to plenty of G's spent at the Fish Fry's and strip club's. But now I can impress my friends even more when I bring them back to pad and order up a couple of these beauties. I don't normally find my lifestyle "excessive" but I can promise you that when we hop in my Firebird and burn out of the truckstop, I'll be dialin the digits to my old lady telling her to get some pies, I'm comin' home and I'm drunk. I used to order Pizza Hut, but that is shit compared to this. I did about 25 shots of McCormicks and when I yaked that shit gave me heartburn. This pizza is loaded with caviar, lobster tail, and creme fraiche, and when purging the Friday "night air" it couldn't be smoother. I have to say, that when you leave it out over night its more like a million dollar pizza reheated and served with some Franks hot sauce. So rally up the boys and I hope you have some available credit after you leave the bar, because this pizza is definitely worth 2/3 your annual salary.

3.141592653589(...) people have reason to celebrate today

In a week where there are already too many reasons to party (St. Patricks Day, Round 1 & 2 of March Madness, Top 12 on American Idol, etc.), today is National Pi day. Hopefully you got your cards out.

Pi has been tracked out to over 1 trillion digits, which happens to be just shy of the number of beers necessary to drink when you realize you are partying for Pi. Unfortunately, something tells me that if you are "partying" for Pi, there is a strong probability there is no alcohol at said party...besides that fact that it only takes all mathematicians 3.14 beers to get completely hammered. (there was my weak attempt at a Pi related joke).

Anyway, if you are looking for a way to celebrate today, try some of these on for size

"Convert things into pi."

Oooookay, what does that mean?

"Convert naturally circular things into radians like the hours on the clock. Instead of it being 3 o'clock, now it's 2*pi o'clock. Or, instead of it being 3 o'clock, convert the inclination of the sun into radians and describe that as the time."

Sounds riveting, what else?

"Simply use 3.14 as a unit of measure. Instead of being 31 years old, you are 9pi years old"

In all seriousness, these people know how to party; wasn't it the Harvard math review that reviled 27.356 degrees is the best angle to snort coke of a prostitutes ass?

Be careful out there today, Pi Day is one of the biggest drinking holiday's of the year. In fact, come to think of it, this guy was probably celebrating Pi.

How to Celebrate Pi Day [wikihow]

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Do you think they have people skills?

It is good to see that 10 years in the clink doesn't ruin that "can do" attitude for some go-getters out there.

As you can see, this rather large ad was taken out in the 'Employment Wanted' section. Seems like a great candidate to me, expert in security, distribution, bi-lingual and has management experience (not to mention clean and sober). Reads a lot like my resume.

It says that he owned and operated a fishing business, which owned an airplane and an island. Right, a fishing business. I like how it has to be clarified that he is looking for LEGITIMATE work.

Well, apparently not the right man for any j-o-b that I have.

So Extreme Mustache can't help this guy out, but I am sold on a career change. Pot smuggling seems more exciting then the military, and clearly offers more "real world" work experience. Now, I just need to find "Marijuana Smuggler" in the help wanted section and I can really move up in the world.

How will the kids entertian themselves next?

Sometimes after a few too many we may exhibit stupid, unexplained actions. I believe the technical term for this is "drunk".
For most people, "drunk" actions involve calling ex-boy/girl friends for unprotected sex, Karaoke, or public urination.
For this man, it involves a complicated game of hide and seek with the Police.

"21-year-old Alexander Craig called the police in Colorado Springs, and told them to come and arrest him. Helpfully, he provided a description of the car he was driving, clues as to where he was, and his name.

He then proceeded to taunt the police for the next three hours, because they couldn't find him."

Yep. The Osh Kosh Police love it when I play this game with them.

"Craig made around 10 calls to the police throughout the course of the night, to taunt them, as the 20 officers out searching for him failed to turn up any leads.

'He said we need to try harder to find him. He said he couldn't believe he hasn't been caught yet,' noted Kelley."

In related news, 5 High School Kids have sent thank you cards to Craig for occupying the police while they threw "the sweetest kegger in the history of all man kind." Apparently, Johnny the semi-retarded 3rd year Senior even got a hand job.

Man to Cops: I'm Driving and Hammered Come and Arrest Me
Colorado Springs Police Blotter

Monday, March 12, 2007

Let Me Tell You About Funny

Funny is accidental testicle removal. Behold!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Try this at home...

There are only a few bad asses in the world and in the history of time. Coincidentally they all have played for the National Hockey League. Try this on for size, and see how it changes you performance at work on this fine Monday morning.

Friday, March 9, 2007

No need for a raincoat this weekend.

This post is for all those guys out there who have used the "Well, I guess we better have sex to make it all better" solve for all of life's toughest problems. (especially when that problem happens to look like the girl to the right).

According to researchers "Semen appears to act as an antidepressant in women," psychologist Gordon Gallup, PhD, tells WebMD. "In our studies, women who have unprotected sex have lower levels of depression, as measured on the gold standard evaluation tool, than those who have the same amount of sex with a condom."

I am not sure exactly what this "gold standard evaluation tool" is, but it needs to be honored with it's own holiday week.

Enjoy your weekends boys, it looks like there is now scientific evidence that supports sex in the champagne room. Unprotected sex if you care at all about the girls well being.

Sex Better than Money for Happiness [Web MD]

Constructive Criticism

When Carla Shinners, 63, decided to become a substitute teacher it was because she wanted to make a difference. Change the steady path our public school system has been walking down for years, morph the young minds of the up-and-coming generations, so that her impact on the community would be recognized. Well Carla... you have done it, you have won the Extreme Mustache™ Constructive Criticism Award.

She is first noted for the honorable name given to her by her students, Mrs. Grumpy Lady, which she has in fact posted on her desk plaque, as well as her business cards. Personally we here at Extreme Mustache would like to see it tattooed in olde English across her abs. Secondly, this woman will not tolerate being disturbed while teaching the art of music. When her own cell phone began ringing she responded to her class by saying,

"These b(explicit)ch's are interupting my class. I'm going to answer the phone and tell these f(explicit)ckers to shut up."

We think that is the perfect response.

Lastly, she is commended mostly for her constrictive criticism. You should know that when you enter 5th grade you are expected to flawless play Concerto in D Major... this ain't no 4th grade "Fiddler on the Roof" bullshit. Carla agrees, she was reported telling her music students to,

"Stop that racket, you all need to shut up. You guys are the worst players I've ever heard."

Which, if they are in fact the worst players she has ever heard, we applaud her honesty. Without it, how could these children progress as students of the art?

I hope that we can find more teachers like this out in the world making a difference, or possibly even you, making a difference like this in your personal career. Nothing says "close the next big deal" like a few swear words directed at 12 year olds.

Read more about Carla and her efforts.

This is dangerous? No F--king kidding!

I have done many stupid things, but even in my wacked out, meth snorting binges I have never found myself allowing my equally wacked out friends to yank my hands through my legs, let alone find themselves with a tight grip anywhere near my junk. It doesn't take a scientist to see that this is probably the most common end result when partaking in extracurriculars like this one.

Wonder Woman is a Cunt

You all want to know why I'm stuck in God-damn Osh Kosh? Because of Wonder Woman. Every time I scheme up some ingenious plan to execute the perfect crime, either my henchmen fuck it up, or Wonder Woman shows up.

Artist's rendition of this week's museum heist:

Thursday, March 8, 2007

These things are too damn good...

I'm know we all have our weaknesses, mine in particular is Girl Scout thin mint cookies. I love how they come in two convenient single serving packs, and when frozen and dipped in milk are comparable to a sixteen year olds first orgasm. I thought I was only one handing over shiny silver suitcases of money to this greenback hording organization, and frankly, my local girl scout mom seem quite shocked when I told her to let the girls run naked, and screw those stupid little badges, we need to cut cost and get these girls putting out product all damn year long. She was also appalled when I jacked her troops canoe and 12 bikes, and then listed them on ebay so I could buy more of these crack coated treats. If they weren't wasting so much time on shit like that anyhow, maybe they could put cookies on the shelf a little more frequently. All I have to say is, when you make a drug, you create addictions, when you create addictions, crime seems to follow closely behind. Why isn't there a link on this article showing the process this mastermind used to make his fake $50? And equally as much, how the hell did he manage to get $40.50 back in change?

Home Alone?

In the event of a natural disaster, John Popper plans on "flipping" on his emergency light on his $85,000 mercades and driving toward help yelling "wait for me, I'm on my way" over his PA system.

So much for helping the innocent along the way...if Mr. Popper can make it to safety the entire human race will survive.

If you get in his way? Let's just say he is prepared to deal with you too.

"Mr. Popper was a passenger in a car registered to him that was pulled over for going 111 mph. A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments containing four rifles, nine handguns, a switchblade knife, taser and night vision goggles. (so he could drive to safety if his headlights went out?)"

Not taking any chances Popper has reconsidered his emergency evacuation plans and is scheduled to have all artillery surgically installed into his body. Go Go Gadget .357 hollowpoint.

Blues Traveler Frontman Arrested, Facing Drug Charges [Access Hollywood]

Remember George's Wallet.

Ever notice how ridiculous the prices for some of the things we buy are if we ARE NOT using our "club" cards.
I mean, who actually pays $265.16 for a loaf of bread....and the look on the cashiers face at the check out when you say, "oh, sorry, no. I don't have my card today." It is like I am personally letting them down. Then they proceeded to swipe some general card like they are doing us such a favor. The ridicule and disappointment from the line 10 deep behind me is enough to never let this happen again.
But what if I don't want to carry around a card for every store that I have ever passed on the street? What if I don't want to feel like I am freeing a small child everytime I pull out my wallet?

Enter the greatest website ever.

Here you can enter all the member numbers for all your loyalty cards and get 1 single card that has all the barcodes on them. No more fumbling for the magic card like rainman as the overweight woman behind you barks for her king sized Kit Kat.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Open your eyes...

I can not say how honored I am to be apart of the Extreme Mustache team. Yesterday I woke up, trimmed up the stash with pride and headed into my shinny new cubicle the boys down at the office had set up for me.

I have to say that I was impressed with the luxurious offices and amenities offered here in Osh Kosh. Not only do they offer a full selection of Slim Jim brand gourmet beef, but refueling as well.

Also I'd like to mention how well they take care of the employees, you can tell by the smile on the secretary's face she is happy with her 401k. One thing that is confusing me though is that contrary to one of Pancho Villa's original post, he still cannot get the parking thing down.

I attached some photos from my first day at the office, and once, thanks for giving me the opportunity to be a part of a Class A team!

New Technology Wednesday

After 10 years of development, Motorola is announcing the release of thier DynaTac 8000X. Thanks to this “cellular” technology, I, master of the universe, will be able to conduct business as if I am in my office, regardless of my physical location.

This includes, but is not limited to, seedy hour-rate motels, strip clubs, casinos, and of course confession. It also gives me the ability to give my “cell” number out to potential night callers, all the while my wife will be none the wiser of my pending infidelities. I can increase my risk for STD’s and other hooker related problems for the low, low price of $3995. Gotta love technology.

Other key benefits of this gem are an outstanding 35 minute talk time with a minimal required 10 hour recharge. The phone can store nicely in my fanny-pack, as it is only 10 inches high (that is 2 inches short of a foot), and weighs in at just under 30oz. I will be able to easily carry my Sony brand Walkman and the phone in one hand at the same time!

Send me your number, I will call you; I just have to keep it short, the calls cost me in the neighborhood of $10 a minute.

Buy your own brick phone. It is guaranteed to get you at least three – “is that a brick phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to meet me?” questions per night.


Monday, March 5, 2007

Watch your drink, John Oates.

We at Extreme Mustache are whores for commentors. In fact, you comment more then once and we will make you a contributor. Well, it may take more then 1 comment, but like the drunk chick at a high school party, it doesn't take a lot to get in our pants.

Without further ado, I would like to welcome our newest commenter, John Oates, a 6'4" pile of shit who calls his mustache "the tickler". Here's an advertisement John used to lure star-trek junkies to his parents attic to perform a variety of sexual acts. Of course, this is his pre-mustache days.

Nice hair John.

His views on garnishing your own weapons AT ALL TIMES are very stong; in fact he even brought his own trebuchet on our last visit to midevil times.

Dr. Fu ManChu's business escapades

Always the philanthropist, Fu Man bank rolled a motivational potato chip company aimed to inspire young women to save themselves for marriage, produce children and improve self-esteem. He called the chips "HomeGirls" the "it's all that potato chip".

It failed. I wonder why?

We now pay him peanuts to write for us, which you can expect he will roll into a "Hey Girl" "It's alright to come out of the closet peanuts" brand soon.

See the full size image here. Word up.

Friday, March 2, 2007

It's like buying a car, then stripping it for parts.

For the most part, I tend to stay out of my wife's business, as I expect her to stay away from mine. After all, the marriage is strictly for business convenience, (tax breaks, liability umbrella's, anonymous off-shore bank acc....I said too much). Always the multi-tasker, the marriage also severed as a means for granting her US citizenship. Other then our casual acquaintance and separate living quarters, we barely co-exist.

That was until I saw the new 2007 John Deere tractor line. Bright shinny Green, polished yellow wheels, suuuue-weet ass....I need one. The problem, as you can imagine is the annual salary of a Wal-Mart greeter is far less than sufficient. I need cash, and I need cash fast.

This morning, I sent out a few emails to garnish interest in any of my wife's non-vital organs at a fair market price. By lunch I had a prospective buyer looking to get a "healthy kidney". We are in luck, my wife has two, and as far as I can tell (wikipedia), only one is required to sustain a normal life. SOLD.

The problem now becomes how I break the news to Ms. Pancho Villa. You thought she was mad when I brought the HDTV home with out some much as a consult.

"Hey honey, I had a great day, work was slow, and I sold your Kidney for a cool 150K....what's for dinner?"

But hey, At least I didn't lose our daughter in a game of poker.

[When Women Are Property: Husband Sells Wife's Kidney to Buy Tractor]
It is common for those in the media business to retell the stories of my life events. Many times I have yelled out, "behold the gaseous stench of my breakfast burrito!" to grovelling subordinates. And I have taken countless phone calls from underlings who have failed me. Here, Robot Chicken has re-enacted some of these moments in a hilarious manner:


Thursday, March 1, 2007

Not Just Photography!

Pancho discusses his photography, but he fails to mention that he's quite an accomplished artist. Here is one of his favorite charcoal sketches:

He sketched it for his boss's daughter to share the message of Black History Month with her. While it is a good sketch, I think he could have picked a less disturbing manner in which to share his message... she's only six.

Professional Photographer

Last weekend I took a photography class over at the rec. center, and have decided that I was born to be a photographer (this is of course in addition to a ninja, pimp, gas station attendant and internet entrepreneur). Take a look at one of my photos.

Dude looks like a lady.

I know the question that you are thinking - "how can Pancho Villa go a week in Miami and manage a post every day or so, and then head back to the bright city lights of Osh Kosh and we get nothing?"

Perhaps it is time to point out that American Idol season in Osh Kosh is a rather busy time of the year, espically for greaters at Wal-Mart. I have seen more cardboard and glitter sold in the last 2 weeks to awkwardly shaped, braces wearing 12 years olds then when I used to manage the New Kids on the Block. Admittedly, I have jumped on the AI bandwagon this year, and have spent my Tuesday evenings the last 2 weeks speed dialing votes for the only girl in the boys competition. GO SANJAYA. Is it me, or do your knees just melt when he sings songs 95% out of key? This little girl is awesome.