Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I'm Here For One Reason

And that reason is to watch a certain number 54 who plays for Chicago knock snot bubbles out every Indianapolis player. Every player.

What is the motivation behind my decision? Only a fool would ask such a question. It is obvious.

Nevertheless, I shall explain. I need a new office linebacker. I recruited Triple T, aka Terrible Terry Tate away from Felcher & Sons, and let's face it... the T's past his prime.

I thought about picking up Pancho Villa on my drive, so we could use the carpool lane and do some male/mustache bonding, but 'ol Pancho doesn't have the same life philosophy as I do: "We Ride Together, We Die Together." See, Pancho doesn't like it when I score and do a bunch of smack down on the beach, then chug a fifth of liquor before jumping behind the wheel. And then he's a total buzkill when he drones on about the importance of seatbelts. And he knows next to nothing about the office linebacking, except what it feels like to pee his pants because he's so intimidated. So I left that Mexican pedophile with those girlscouts in front of the NFL Experience.

Feel free to watch some Triple T highlights Reebok put together a while ago:

Montagues meet the Capulets

There are two cultures of people down here right now...1st you have the celebrity crowd. Now you don't have to be a celebrity to be part of this group, you just need to make sure that you have triple mortgaged your house to afford the designer cloths, private jets and cover charges to the best clubs. Needless to say, the football game is just a delivery system for the decadence.

Secondly, you have the weekend warrior. These are the soon-to-be-retired budget-on-a-dime folks who like to spend winter weekends getting as far away from upstate New York as possible. These people have rented all the "economy" rooms in a 250 mile radius, and they don't even care about football.

Each group despises the other.

Surprisingly, very few people whom have travelled to Miami this weekend care about this game. This is painfully obvious at the NFL experience; an over priced, interactive football experience dedicated to the fans. I stopped by this monstrosity after an unsuccessful attempt at hitchhiking to media day (who knew that the actual game is not in Miami, but rather hours drive north of South Beach).

Besides me, there was a girl scout troop from northern Washington, and a handful of washed up defensive backs with their grand kids. Shockingly lite crowd given that attendees get to touch Jimmy Johnson's hair as well as helping to pick sun tan lotion in an interactive exhibit of Joe Theismann's tanning rituals.

More craziness to come, the crowds keep growing, and the booze keeps flowing. It is almost too bad they are going to have to break it all up for a football game on Sunday evening.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Wal-Mart Dance party

I am a little slow to rise this morning; the party I went to last night was "off the chain". That is what my friends taught be to say to be "book". Which means, the party was cool (book) and ranked very high on my awesomeness chart (off the chain).

Being like one of those underground LA clubs, the entrance was non-discreet and featured a behind the scenes walk through the building before getting "into" the club. Apart from cheap speakers, no booze and all the sausage, the music keep people poppin' until well past 7:45. That's PM, coke heads.

I hear Club Wal is a chain, and hope to check it out when I get back home to Osh Kosh.

For now, I need some Flintstones Vitamins and some Full House re-runs, or this hangover is never going to go away. Danny Tanner just sooths the head, alright.

Monday, January 29, 2007

I think I just saw 2 Live Crew

It seems the press credentials I made on the plane have little street cred down here, and with everything either reserved for VIP's or media, I am having trouble gaining access to anything. Discouraged, I found my way to the beach to see if I could talk my way into anything cool. Note to self, when a drunk college student yells "show us your tits" they are most likely not talking to me. Even though, in my opinion, I have some of the nicest man boobs you will find. Maybe it is the pasty white skin they don't like?

Things seem to be starting to get going down here, while walking on the beach I was asked 36 times if I wanted any "smack", 22 times I was asked or told something in Spanish which I didn't understand, and 12 times was asked "if I was looking for a good time"....which does not mean they have a
xbox 360 and wantedt a challenger to play Madden.

I was invited to a VIP party tonight, and will bring my trusting camera phone/video recorder in an effort to post something for tomorrow. In the mean time, I need to find someplace to sleep, as I came down here with no reservations and it seems that Pancho Villa's name doesn't pull weight in South Beach like it does in Osh Kosh, Wi. Snobby Bitches.

Going to Miami.

With no business plan, means to drive profit or long-term growth strategy, finding investors for this little internet endeavor was not difficult at all. As you may know, internet start-ups have been proven to be solid financial investments. My VC's will be happy to know that I am lighting a $2,000 dollar Cuban cigar with $600 dollars cash as I type this.

I looked into our investment coffee can that I hide in the toilet bowl, and as of Saturday night we had saved just under 260 million dollars. Seeking to show the investors that we have no concept of money, we have decided to pack our bags and come to you live this week from sunny Miami, Florida. Looking at citysearch, Miami is host to several high profile events this week, including wiener dog death fighting and the 2007 Miss Overweight Florida pageant. Oh, it also says here there is some kind of football game this weekend.

Prepare yourselves southern Florida, Extreme Mustache is going to get crazy; cause, let's face it, nothing says Super Bowl 41 coverage like pretentious NFL groupies, a finely groomed handlebar mustache and the South Beach Diet (which of course is the combining of drinks both from Jack Daniels and Jose Curevo decent).

Buckle your seat belt, more from Miami to come.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Hurler huh?

The week off before the super bowl is the week when you get to preview your life without football....for ESPN, it means it is time to devote the weekend of coverage to figure skating. Isn't there any other sports out there to find out, I turned to the interweb for some of baseballs hottest players from yester-year, 1865.

Friday, January 26, 2007

I found a beautiful piece of art that I plan to hang over my bed titled No One Wants to Play Sega with Harrison Ford. Bask in its glory!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Caught Cheating on Tape

Last night, I was cheating on one of my wives (they don't know about each other) with this hot hooker. Anyway, Adult Swim was kind enough to animate a near-exact re-enactment. The only difference is that I am the Insideous Dr. Fu Manchu, not Awesome X.

Laser rocket arm, or subliminal advertising?

The President declared last night the State of our Union is strong. He then stepped aside and allowed Peyton Manning to endorse our "strong" union. This sponsorship by Manning means that he is now the spokesman for over 93% of all consumer facing products and according to Neilson Media, is responsible for selling over 98% of the United States GNP. It is no wonder President Bush asked him to be the celebrity spokesman in last nights address, he is the lynch pin to our economy.

Bush was disappointed to see Manning do just enough to win the AFC championship and is concerned that Manning's shortened off-season will reduce the number of commercials he will be able to appear in by up to 20%.
"When Manning is out of the playoffs early, he has more time to do those 'fluff' spots like encouraging them gays to come out of the closet." Bush stated. "Now he will only have time to do spots for Gatorade, Sony, MasterCard, Nike, GM, Sprint, Pepsi, USPS, DirectTV, eTrade, Bud Light, Vonage, Tag Hauer, Target, Got Milk, Girls Gone Wild, Peter Francis Geracy Info Tapes and Law and a celebrity endorsement for each product in the the Proctor and Gamble family."

Disney, betting on the fact that he will choke in the Super Bowl, has inked Manning as the face of their entire 2007-2008 Global advertising strategy, and has dropped the traditional super Bowl MVP shouting "I am going to Disneyworld". This will to ensure Manning's impact will have greater reach among the girl tween audience of 9-12.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Want your kid to think you can't do the moonwalk?

Are you depriving your kids of rich social skills and positive enhancement? Without this PSA, you just might be failing as a parent. I, myself, am not in the parenting game, however I believe there are many 'perks' associated with parenting. The rewards children bring include unlimited use of immigrant style labor, tax incentives and of course a lifetime of subordination. But what I believe would be the best part of being a parent; "unleashing the motherfucking moonwalk."

Parenting []

Monday, January 22, 2007

Kick me while I am down, asshole.

For anybody who wasn't paying attention over the weekend, Chicago made a resounding statement to the world with it's football team.


By beating the Saints and positioning themselves to go to Super Bowl 41, the Bears have striped the entire gulf-region of one of the few bright spots in their lives. It is fact that had the Saints reached the super bowl, Ne
w Orleans was going to be magically transformed back to it's pre-Katrina state and those funny talking Cajun's wouldn't remember anything about a storm or a flood. But Chicago wanted to torture them.

In addition to destroying Saints fans all over the world, Chicago has also asked the city of New Orleans to refund all Chicagoans donations to the relief effort. This, and they retroactively raised the rent of over 200 displaced gulf coast residences living in the greater Chicago area to fund a new boat for Chicago Mayor Richard Daily.

You stay classy Chicago Bears.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

This disease will probably kill me.

As it was recently brought to my attention, I appear to suffer from an incurable disease. How do I know it is incurable? The disease has not been clinically identified, and as of now, my wife and I are the only 2 people in the world to have it.

What is this terrible disease, you might ask? Heavy Walking.

An except from an email I received on Friday -
  • I also was woken up past midnight this last Saturday night due to heavy walking in your bedroom. This has happened several nights over the last year and a half and it's finally gotten to the point where I need to formally address this.
How is this affecting the neighbor, you might ask?
  • [I] have done several things to try to adjust to this noise, including sleeping with a fan, the tv, and trying ear plugs, yet the deep thud of heavy walking is not drowned out by any of these.
    [Heavy walking] has affected my every day life and my quality of sleep.
I am just on the forefront of this new disease, but from what I can tell, heavy walking is learned by any upright walking mammal at a very young age, and it effects all walking mammals from the time they learn to (heavy) walk. Possible cures include midnight jump-roping, competitive tap dancing, Private STOMP lessons and rave parties (in your home, of course).

So now I reach out to the positive well-wishers of the interweb, for your support in finding the cure for this insidious disease. Information on a foundation I am starting will come out soon.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Can't I just go to the free clinic?

As of late, Pancho Villa has been spending a lot of time surfing electronic retailers websites in order to convince myself (read: my wife) that I NEED high-definition TV. The thing with our acronym happy world is that finding a TV reminds me of late nights in college spent searching STD's. I mean, EDTV?!?! Is that really what I want to tell people I bought, or is that what I "got" after "hooking" up with that nasty sorority girl in the bathroom on penny beer night?

When I visit the store, I tentatively approach the sales guy and whisper something about D.L.P....I am actually quite good at incognito query's, I practiced in high school when I would buy condoms from the pharmacist. I mean, with the prices of these things, their names should not make you blush and run to the bathroom to make sure your balls are still attached. Becasue let's face it, if I am allowed to buy one, my wife will make sure said balls are permantley removed. But really, with an LG DLP HDTV, who needs balls. Afterall, didn't that guy that roomed with you have LG DLP HDTV? If memory serves, he had to smack his dick between two oak blocks just to pee.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Reflections on MLK Day

Many workers in the United States have the day off today to celebrate the life and contributions of Dr. Martin Luther King. I am not one of those workers.

And c'mon, who's really thinking about MLK today? No one. There are the people who anticipated the extra day and chose to do two days of serious drinking. They are thinking about how bad their hangover is. They're not going to parades or watching recordings of his speeches. I do concede that some of them may be playing Playstation with some kind of MLK avatar, but most of them are emphasizing head shots which isn't really what he stood for anyway.

And then there are the people who are working who wish they could have been drinking the night before. FACT: These people work for racist organizations. The only nice part for those working is that the commute to and from work is eased by the fact that everyone else got the day off.

Today has given me more time to review my past accomplishments and future goals though. In reflection, I think it would be good if everyone of you studied some of the foundational principles for successful world domination to start the new year off correctly.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Saving money on your valet.

Finding street parking while living in the city can be a real bitch sometimes. Finding an opening the size of your tuna can car be damn impossible, and many times hampered by some overzealous piece-of-shit whom has decided a 3.5ft cushion is required between them and the car in front. You know the spot, lit-up as if God himself were navigating you to this spot. You try to squeeze in, reversing back, “nudgeing” the car behind you. There is even that moment when you believe you can push the car behind you backward, creating that extra room needed to push your front end over. Inevitably, you can’t fit; cars behind you are now lined up 12 deep, honking to get by. "If only this asshole could've parked correctly", you think to yourself. “Perhaps if I break his windows the mother fucker will park better next time.” Apart from the awesomeness of some unsuspecting dickbrain returning to see the windows of his leased Audi more like sand than glass, this seems like an unreasonable consequence for my inconvenience.

Until now.

Behold, a bumbersticker that can help shed some light to the offender. Shitty parkers of the world, beware. Next time I can’t park because of your incompetence, I will just slap one of these dandy’s smack-dab in the middle of your windshield. It will be like a citizens parking violation, that will server to inconvenience you, you smug faced bitch.


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Hey fat ass, how's the gym?

It's 11 days into the new year and i'll bet you pussys have already abandoned your new years resolutions. Not me, I am still going strong, but why shouldn't I, my resolution is to increase my awesomeness by 53%. In 11 short days I am already dripping more awesomeness then you can muster in a whole year; but I guess that's not fair since I started out at over 126% and you will only achieve a lifetime average at just over 17.5%.

So how, you ask, can you change your resolution and try to achieve awesomeness too?

Just some minor life changes and, with the right amount of balls, you could increase your awesomeness to a slightly higher level then that dip shit Aiden in payroll. First things first, awesomeness is not an adjective, it is a person. Pancho Villa likes to remind people who is talking by using his name in the 3rd person. Pancho only talks about himself and how awesome he is. When meeting people for the first time, don't shake their hand, give your nut sack a little tug and address them as "bro" (even if it is a chick, "bro" is still the generic name given to all who are inferior to you). Regardless of race, refer to employees at any store as a "cracker" and when dining out, never leave a tip. Pancho Villa can't tell you anymore, but you can sign up for his lecture series, "I am fucking awesome, and your not", which will be touring the country later this spring. With paid admittance, Pancho Villa will walk in, tell everybody in the room to "go fuck themselves" and leave. Counting $1000 bills the whole time;
Good luck with your resolutions, Pancho Villia's awesomeness went up 3% just by writing this. Bitch.

Monday, January 8, 2007

Is Pimping Easy?

Well, we are about a week into the new year and since one of my resolutions was to eliminate procrastination, I guess I should get going.
I have made it my resolution this year to become a Pimp. By pimp, I don't mean the pussy 23 year-old who thinks he can "get widt" any girl alive. I am of course referring to the occupation by which I sell time with "my" girls.
Now, I didn't major in pimping in college, and have very little knowledge of the subject. A scary career change for most, but for me, when I was asked in high school what I would do with a million dollars, I answered franchise a national/global pimping conglomerate. It is 2007 when I mustered the courage to make the career change.
Having little to no working understanding, I turned to the internet to determine how to go about "becoming" a pimp. Apart from the core tools (the right threads and a gun), there is really no difference between corporate America as far as business strategy. Here are the 5 most important traits for growing a pimping operation, with the corporate equivalent in ( ).
  • Charm yo ho's (kiss up to your boss)
  • Take over other pimp's territory (market share)
  • Break a ho down (R&D)
  • Keep an eye out for troubled teens (demographics)
  • Get into drugs (get into drugs)
For more information on becoming a pimp go here, and you too might be able to make a change into the fast and dynamic world of selling sex.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Riding Dirty

Let’s just suppose for a minute, after a long night of drinking on New Years you find yourself in an argument with a professional athlete. Next, let’s hypothetically say the booze takes over and you decide to prove your point by spraying said athletes limo with over 20 bullets. Yeah, you’re a big man, you showed him.
Wait, he died.
Eyewitnesses have identified your white car and license plate; what do you do now hotshot?

In the case of Darrent Williams, you spray paint 4 sides of your white car black. Leaving the roof untouched. Then you remove your license plate. Yeah, that doesn’t look suspicious at all. What does one think will happen when an unidentified “black” car is rolling down the street?

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Assailant: I am sorry, no, is there a problem?
Officer: I just noticed the dull shine of shitty K-Mart spray paint, and thought you could use a referral on a good auto body shop.
Assailant: Hey thanks, yeah, I went to my brother-in-laws shop, but I think he was high when he painted this thing.
Officer: Yeah, no kidding, he missed the whole roof. Anyway, you may want to get this thing registered too….it is law to have license plates....Is that gun in the front seat yours? It is a pretty wicked looking handgun, how many bullets it hold?
Assailant: Um, no, this is not a gun, it is a lighter that is shaped like a gun. I use it to light my tobacco pipe. If there is nothing else officer, I must be on my way.
Officer: Gun lighter, now that is rich! Please be on your way, sorry to keep you.

Monday, January 1, 2007

Deja Vu

Ah, New Years Day, one of the only days it's acceptable to set-up a tent in the living room, start a fire on the rug and make s'mores while watching football all day long. Unfortunately, today the games have been less than exciting. I just saw the Trojan's go up by 21 in the grand daddy of 'em all and I exercisized men's God-given right to look for something else to watch on TV. To my surprise, the very game I'm watching in prime time, just "re"-started on ESPN classic. An "instant classic" it says in the upper right of the screen; Instant Classic by ESPN's definition must simply mean time-delay or the execs in Bristol were banking on a much better game. Instant Classic? You decide, the game is being replayed 16 times in the next 24 hours. One has to love original programming.