Friday, December 22, 2006

Dear Santa.

I know that I am a little late getting my list to you this year since you have already tasked the outsourced Asians elves to start packing the sleigh; but I just finished my third Meat-normus, and it dawned on me what I want for Christmas.

You see, I am in the midst of the Jared diet and not that pansy Subway shit; I am talking about the diet he did before Subway where he gained 300lbs. It's the holidays Santa, and you know as well as anybody else dieting during the holidays is for pussies.

Over the last month I have been to 13 cookie parties, 7 cocktail parties and crashed in on 1 Tastefully Simple party each night since Halloween. All told, I have packed a solid 250lbs since Labor Day. That said, if you could find at the bottom of your loot sack a gift of liposuction, it would really boost the ol' self-esteem.

Now, I have tried the purge method, smoking the weight off, and snorting myself thin, but it all seems to lead me back to the same place; Kentucky Fired Chicken. So, given my stellar behavior record this year (resume attached), and willingness to keep the weight off, I hope you might find a nice plastic surgery gift card in your workshop.

Matt (previous winner of The Biggest Loser)

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The day I met Chris Hansen

I will never forget the time I almost met the love of my life. Three long months ago we met online with your average online "wooing"; what's your name, where do you live, my penis is 17 inches know, typical online chatter. The relationship moved quickly from swapping naked pictures of each other through instant messenger to phone sex over skype. I thought I had found someone special.

We arranged via text message to met at her house the afternoon of July 26th.

I got up early to run the few errands, Sarah, my digital love, had requested. With the bottles of Boones Farm, some gay porn and cupcakes, I headed the car north 3 hours to Madison. I arrived 10 minutes early, and thought I could use the time to spruce up, after all, she had requested I enter her home stark naked. Lightly, I applied coconut oil over my body and walked into the house.

Chris Hansen, from Dateline NBC, stepped out from behind a door.

Wait a minute… I began running scenarios through my head. Had Sarah been cheating on me with this piece of shit? Could I be caught on "To Catch a Predator" and have a date in the Madison County court system?


Turns out, Chris Hansen is a sick fuck, whose hobby is meeting people online using the persona of a 275lb 15 year-old girl. Heartbroken and humiliated, I beat Chris Mathews to within 1 minute of his life, drove home, and jumped back online.

Let the debauchery begin

We here at Extreme Mustache have decided to come up with the interweb version of a 16-car pile-up in the middle of rush hour. Something you have no choice but to slow down, view...admire....and secretly enjoy. We hope to fill the down time in your day (8:00am and 5:00pm Monday through Friday, yeah, we know how it goes) with our grammatically incorrect, over-thought low-brow humor. Our mission is simple; have no mission, no set agenda, and complete disregard for the use of 3rd person. Pancho Villa likes it that way and when Pancho speaks, so it is.
Check back often, we are using this blog to learn how to type with all our fingers in the "home row" starting position....and given that 3/4 of us have missing digits do to several mustache trimming accidents, it should be updated frequently. asdfjkl;

Scientific Work

I am far too busy to perform every scientific experiment that I would like to. Fortunately, with the advent of the Internet, I am able to quickly find the scientific studies and emperical evidence that I require for world domination.

Behold the most recent findings: How Many Condoms Can You Wear at Once?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Bow Before My Omnipotence

As an evil genius who seeks to overthrow Western civilization and the "White race," and with a mustache named after me, I feel that this blog is the perfect medium through which to communicate with my audience: all who seek to bask in my glory.

Feel free to read more about me in one of my biographies.