The day I met Chris Hansen

I will never forget the time I almost met the love of my life. Three long months ago we met online with your average online "wooing"; what's your name, where do you live, my penis is 17 inches long...you know, typical online chatter. The relationship moved quickly from swapping naked pictures of each other through instant messenger to phone sex over skype. I thought I had found someone special.

We arranged via text message to met at her house the afternoon of July 26th.

I got up early to run the few errands, Sarah, my digital love, had requested. With the bottles of Boones Farm, some gay porn and cupcakes, I headed the car north 3 hours to Madison. I arrived 10 minutes early, and thought I could use the time to spruce up, after all, she had requested I enter her home stark naked. Lightly, I applied coconut oil over my body and walked into the house.

Chris Hansen, from Dateline NBC, stepped out from behind a door.

Wait a minute… I began running scenarios through my head. Had Sarah been cheating on me with this piece of shit? Could I be caught on "To Catch a Predator" and have a date in the Madison County court system?

Nope.

Turns out, Chris Hansen is a sick fuck, whose hobby is meeting people online using the persona of a 275lb 15 year-old girl. Heartbroken and humiliated, I beat Chris Mathews to within 1 minute of his life, drove home, and jumped back online.