You see, I am in the midst of the Jared diet and not that pansy Subway shit; I am talking about the diet he did before Subway where he gained 300lbs. It's the holidays Santa, and you know as well as anybody else dieting during the holidays is for pussies.
Over the last month I have been to 13 cookie parties, 7 cocktail parties and crashed in on 1 Tastefully Simple party each night since Halloween. All told, I have packed a solid 250lbs since Labor Day. That said, if you could find at the bottom of your loot sack a gift of liposuction, it would really boost the ol' self-esteem.
Now, I have tried the purge method, smoking the weight off, and snorting myself thin, but it all seems to lead me back to the same place; Kentucky Fired Chicken. So, given my stellar behavior record this year (resume attached), and willingness to keep the weight off, I hope you might find a nice plastic surgery gift card in your workshop.
Matt (previous winner of The Biggest Loser)